Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll - Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps, and now….Roger Federer!

World sports reeled from a 1-2-3 Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll knockout punch this weekend when it emerged that in the wake of the Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps scandals, tennis icon Roger Federer was cited for “disturbing the peace” by officials in the Swiss canton of Basel for playing his stereo too loudly past the national bed-time of 8 pm. A canton official who spoke on condition of anonymity said that as a role model and icon for Swiss children, Roger should have set an example by turning off the lights, or at the very least, tucking into bed with a mug of Ovaltine and a copy of William Tell at this late hour.

Federer’s apology Wednesday for unspecified "transgressions" — coinciding with reports of him mowing his lawn on Sundays, trashing his cuckoo clock, flashing Made in Hong Kong watches, bingeing on Hershey’s chocolates, showing a preference for French cheeses, opening bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, and that most un-Swiss of acts – declaring his assets on his income tax return — was obviously the last straw on the camel’s back.

A Jungian psychologist appointed by the canton of Basel said that it was very possible that Federer was “acting out” and “engaging in impulse behavior” due to the pressures of the tennis circuit. “Roger Federer was different, or so he seemed, with his unmatchable talent and carefully burnished image” said the psychologist, “The real story here is the meeting of expectations with reality. The guy's a human being and we forget that." “Though it possible that Roger was simply jealous of the attention Tiger has been getting of late” he conceded.

Reactions in the US were mainly positive, and it is rumored that Michael Phelps is looking forward to offering Roger "a drag” should he stay up past 11 pm. In neighboring Austria, fashion reporter Bruno said he was looking forward to seeing Roger in drag. However, in Switzerland itself, watchmaker Rolex was the first major sponsor to distance itself from Federer. “We’re signing on Otzi the Iceman instead” said a Rolex spokesman “he is nice and predictable, very Swiss.”