World sports reeled from a 1-2-3 Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll knockout punch this weekend when it emerged that in the wake of the Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps scandals, tennis icon Roger Federer was cited for “disturbing the peace” by officials in the Swiss canton of Basel for playing his stereo too loudly past the national bed-time of 8 pm. A canton official who spoke on condition of anonymity said that as a role model and icon for Swiss children, Roger should have set an example by turning off the lights, or at the very least, tucking into bed with a mug of Ovaltine and a copy of William Tell at this late hour.
Federer’s apology Wednesday for unspecified "transgressions" — coinciding with reports of him mowing his lawn on Sundays, trashing his cuckoo clock, flashing Made in Hong Kong watches, bingeing on Hershey’s chocolates, showing a preference for French cheeses, opening bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, and that most un-Swiss of acts – declaring his assets on his income tax return — was obviously the last straw on the camel’s back.
A Jungian psychologist appointed by the canton of Basel said that it was very possible that Federer was “acting out” and “engaging in impulse behavior” due to the pressures of the tennis circuit. “Roger Federer was different, or so he seemed, with his unmatchable talent and carefully burnished image” said the psychologist, “The real story here is the meeting of expectations with reality. The guy's a human being and we forget that." “Though it possible that Roger was simply jealous of the attention Tiger has been getting of late” he conceded.
Reactions in the US were mainly positive, and it is rumored that Michael Phelps is looking forward to offering Roger "a drag” should he stay up past 11 pm. In neighboring Austria, fashion reporter Bruno said he was looking forward to seeing Roger in drag. However, in Switzerland itself, watchmaker Rolex was the first major sponsor to distance itself from Federer. “We’re signing on Otzi the Iceman instead” said a Rolex spokesman “he is nice and predictable, very Swiss.”
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Bush denies global warming, calls it a plot hatched by scientologists…
Former president Bush, speaking at the inauguration of the George W Bush Presidential Library in Texas, derided his former opponent Gore and called global warming “a plot hatched by them scientologists”. “You’ve got to go by the numbers, they don’t add up” he said, squinting sideways at a tarot card gifted to him by Nancy Reagan. “Evidence shows that some parts of the Earth are actually cooling” he added, as he pointed to a picture of his buddy Prince Bandar bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia performing a giant slalom at the indoor snow slopes at the Dubai mall.
Bush was caught off-guard when a reporter pointed out the urgent need for carbon sequestration due to rising CO2 levels, but recovered quickly “I see this as a huge opportunity for the US soft drink industry. Let’s pump all that excess CO2 into cans of soda and put the fizz back in our economy, one Coke at a time!”
“Climate change falls in the same category as Evolution” he railed, adding “you can’t make a monkey out of me.” Bush then showed off to reporters copies of the library’s longest book, the 50-volume opus “Liberal Deceptions. (The library's briefest book is “Compassionate Conservatism”, which contains only two words - No and Way). “Evolution can’t explain how some people have only five fingers instead of six” he said, to appreciative titters (and prodigious banjo riffs) from the audience. “Darwin’s On the Origin of the Specious [sic!] is all bunk” he slurred on, in a typical Dubya malapropism.
Bush sounded regretful as he walked past a framed copy of the flawed WMD intelligence report that lead to the second gulf war. “It was a Microsoft Word spell-check problem” he revealed, “we should’ve gone after IraN, not IraQ.”
Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance at the closing ceremony to sign copies of her second book “Going Brogue”. Palin, who is relocating to the East Coast in preparation for her 2012 presidential bid, said that she picked that title over the runner up “On a Clear Day You Can See Ireland”. She rated her chances in 2012 pretty highly “You see, people really like the way I roll my R’s…”
Bush was caught off-guard when a reporter pointed out the urgent need for carbon sequestration due to rising CO2 levels, but recovered quickly “I see this as a huge opportunity for the US soft drink industry. Let’s pump all that excess CO2 into cans of soda and put the fizz back in our economy, one Coke at a time!”
“Climate change falls in the same category as Evolution” he railed, adding “you can’t make a monkey out of me.” Bush then showed off to reporters copies of the library’s longest book, the 50-volume opus “Liberal Deceptions. (The library's briefest book is “Compassionate Conservatism”, which contains only two words - No and Way). “Evolution can’t explain how some people have only five fingers instead of six” he said, to appreciative titters (and prodigious banjo riffs) from the audience. “Darwin’s On the Origin of the Specious [sic!] is all bunk” he slurred on, in a typical Dubya malapropism.
Bush sounded regretful as he walked past a framed copy of the flawed WMD intelligence report that lead to the second gulf war. “It was a Microsoft Word spell-check problem” he revealed, “we should’ve gone after IraN, not IraQ.”
Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance at the closing ceremony to sign copies of her second book “Going Brogue”. Palin, who is relocating to the East Coast in preparation for her 2012 presidential bid, said that she picked that title over the runner up “On a Clear Day You Can See Ireland”. She rated her chances in 2012 pretty highly “You see, people really like the way I roll my R’s…”
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