Bush denies global warming, calls it a plot hatched by scientologists…

Former president Bush, speaking at the inauguration of the George W Bush Presidential Library in Texas, derided his former opponent Gore and called global warming “a plot hatched by them scientologists”. “You’ve got to go by the numbers, they don’t add up” he said, squinting sideways at a tarot card gifted to him by Nancy Reagan. “Evidence shows that some parts of the Earth are actually cooling” he added, as he pointed to a picture of his buddy Prince Bandar bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia performing a giant slalom at the indoor snow slopes at the Dubai mall.

Bush was caught off-guard when a reporter pointed out the urgent need for carbon sequestration due to rising CO2 levels, but recovered quickly “I see this as a huge opportunity for the US soft drink industry. Let’s pump all that excess CO2 into cans of soda and put the fizz back in our economy, one Coke at a time!”

“Climate change falls in the same category as Evolution” he railed, adding “you can’t make a monkey out of me.” Bush then showed off to reporters copies of the library’s longest book, the 50-volume opus “Liberal Deceptions. (The library's briefest book is “Compassionate Conservatism”, which contains only two words - No and Way). “Evolution can’t explain how some people have only five fingers instead of six” he said, to appreciative titters (and prodigious banjo riffs) from the audience. “Darwin’s On the Origin of the Specious [sic!] is all bunk” he slurred on, in a typical Dubya malapropism.

Bush sounded regretful as he walked past a framed copy of the flawed WMD intelligence report that lead to the second gulf war. “It was a Microsoft Word spell-check problem” he revealed, “we should’ve gone after IraN, not IraQ.”

Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance at the closing ceremony to sign copies of her second book “Going Brogue”. Palin, who is relocating to the East Coast in preparation for her 2012 presidential bid, said that she picked that title over the runner up “On a Clear Day You Can See Ireland”. She rated her chances in 2012 pretty highly “You see, people really like the way I roll my R’s…”