Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Indian poet main suspect in author John Updike’s sudden death...
A little over a year after author John Updike’s sudden death in Ipswich, Massachussets, police have identified one M. Anantanarayanan, a sometimes poet and resident of Madras, India, as the main suspect. Ipswich police chief Dusset "Dusty" Rhime, in an interview with this reporter, admitted it was a very unusual case. “This is a first for our department, the weapon of choice was a literary device called a half rhyme” he said, “though we believe the suspect didn’t intend any harm”. He then proceeded to lay out the evidence in the case. “It appears that Mr. Updike struck first, going one up” said Chief Rhimes, holding out Updike’s 1961 poem titled “I Missed His Book, But I Read His Name”:
Though authors are a dreadful clan
To be avoided if you can,
I’d like to meet the Indian,
M. Anantanarayanan.
I picture him as short and tan.
We’d meet, perhaps, in Hindustan.
I’d say, with admirable elan ,
“Ah, Anantanarayanan --
I’ve heard of you. The Times once ran
A notice on your novel, an Unusual tale of God and Man.”
And Anantanarayanan
Would seat me on a lush divan
And read his name—that sumptuous span Of “a’s” and “n’s”
more lovely than “In Xanadu did Kubla Khan”
Aloud to me all day. I plan
Henceforth to be an ardent fan of Anantanarayanan --
Chief Rhimes sighed and continued “The original got lost in the postal system and M. Anantanarayan stumbled across the verse addressed to him 48 odd years later, as he launched upon some vadas (a South Indian delicacy) wrapped in an old newspaper. Despite the passage of time, he seems to have got carried away with the competitive spirit and penned the following lines, which proved too much for Mr. Updike to take in his old age.”
Dear Mr. Updike, or should I say John
T’was in a month-old copy of the San Francisco Chron
That I saw your charming poem; and upon seeing you fawn
Over my name, my eyes shone
Bright in the Madras dawn
If the humble salary of a peon
Would allow it, I would have you flown
Instantly to Hindustan, whereupon,
Having seated you on
My divan - forgive me, it is quite worn -
I would say Mr Updike, or rather, John
T’is true my name stretches from hither to yon
But well before Kublai Khan was born
Lived an ancestor of mine, now long gone
Whose name was not half of mine, yet infinitely long!
You see, he was called Ananta (and his head was shorn)
Which in Hindustani means “endless, stretching to the back of beyond…”
It’s claimed he was a wee bit more God than Mon
And if you still don’t believe me, Mr.Updike, or John
I will gladly change my name to Anantanaraya-non!
Uh…Mr.Updike, you’re looking rather wan
I know, it’s all quite dizzying to contemplate upon
John… Mr. Updike! Are you ok?! John???
Though authors are a dreadful clan
To be avoided if you can,
I’d like to meet the Indian,
M. Anantanarayanan.
I picture him as short and tan.
We’d meet, perhaps, in Hindustan.
I’d say, with admirable elan ,
“Ah, Anantanarayanan --
I’ve heard of you. The Times once ran
A notice on your novel, an Unusual tale of God and Man.”
And Anantanarayanan
Would seat me on a lush divan
And read his name—that sumptuous span Of “a’s” and “n’s”
more lovely than “In Xanadu did Kubla Khan”
Aloud to me all day. I plan
Henceforth to be an ardent fan of Anantanarayanan --
Chief Rhimes sighed and continued “The original got lost in the postal system and M. Anantanarayan stumbled across the verse addressed to him 48 odd years later, as he launched upon some vadas (a South Indian delicacy) wrapped in an old newspaper. Despite the passage of time, he seems to have got carried away with the competitive spirit and penned the following lines, which proved too much for Mr. Updike to take in his old age.”
Dear Mr. Updike, or should I say John
T’was in a month-old copy of the San Francisco Chron
That I saw your charming poem; and upon seeing you fawn
Over my name, my eyes shone
Bright in the Madras dawn
If the humble salary of a peon
Would allow it, I would have you flown
Instantly to Hindustan, whereupon,
Having seated you on
My divan - forgive me, it is quite worn -
I would say Mr Updike, or rather, John
T’is true my name stretches from hither to yon
But well before Kublai Khan was born
Lived an ancestor of mine, now long gone
Whose name was not half of mine, yet infinitely long!
You see, he was called Ananta (and his head was shorn)
Which in Hindustani means “endless, stretching to the back of beyond…”
It’s claimed he was a wee bit more God than Mon
And if you still don’t believe me, Mr.Updike, or John
I will gladly change my name to Anantanaraya-non!
Uh…Mr.Updike, you’re looking rather wan
I know, it’s all quite dizzying to contemplate upon
John… Mr. Updike! Are you ok?! John???
Monday, February 15, 2010
Farmville roiled by scandal, Feds discover widespread exploitation of immigrant workers, GM sunflowers, and more…
The popular Facebook game Farmville was roiled by scandal this weekend as undercover federal officers rounded up thousands of undocumented migrant workers and held them in INS detention centers. Rebecca, a farm-owner who would give only her first name to The Banian, admitted that the bountiful crop of organic squash she claimed as her own was raised by her Facebook friend Manuel, who was paid sub minimum wage and housed in a canvas tent with no running water. When questioned about the ethics of her actions, she would only say that the practice was ubiquitous and “all her friends did it, and it was the only way to get any attention on Facebook”. As of this writing, her news feed had been taken offline by Facebook.
Worse was to follow when Farmville player Ajay revealed that his award-winning 36 inch sunflowers were grown from a batch of Monsanto GM seeds. A Monsanto spokesman wearing a double breasted jacket with a suspicious bulge at the shoulder stood by watchfully as Ajay vehemently denied stumbling across five-legged frogs and bee hives decimated by colony collapse disorder on his farm. At least a dozen NGOs are planning to target Farmville with protests this weekend.
When it rains, it pours. In what could be the final nail in Farmville’s coffin, it was revealed that champion organic milk cow Daisy, the recipient of numerous Farmville awards and responsible for over 2.7 million wall posts, was stuffed to the gills with antibiotics and the bovine growth hormone rGBH. Daisy and the rest of her herd were immediately stripped of their USDA Organic certification, and the Facebook game Whole Foods, which sources its dairy products exclusively from Farmville, has been thrown in turmoil.
Stay tuned as The Banian investigates new rumors emerging from Farmville, including reports of factory chicken farms and groundwater pollution from hog farming operations…
Worse was to follow when Farmville player Ajay revealed that his award-winning 36 inch sunflowers were grown from a batch of Monsanto GM seeds. A Monsanto spokesman wearing a double breasted jacket with a suspicious bulge at the shoulder stood by watchfully as Ajay vehemently denied stumbling across five-legged frogs and bee hives decimated by colony collapse disorder on his farm. At least a dozen NGOs are planning to target Farmville with protests this weekend.
When it rains, it pours. In what could be the final nail in Farmville’s coffin, it was revealed that champion organic milk cow Daisy, the recipient of numerous Farmville awards and responsible for over 2.7 million wall posts, was stuffed to the gills with antibiotics and the bovine growth hormone rGBH. Daisy and the rest of her herd were immediately stripped of their USDA Organic certification, and the Facebook game Whole Foods, which sources its dairy products exclusively from Farmville, has been thrown in turmoil.
Stay tuned as The Banian investigates new rumors emerging from Farmville, including reports of factory chicken farms and groundwater pollution from hog farming operations…
Saturday, January 23, 2010
The Last Syllable...
Best-selling author Dan Brown revealed in an interview with The Banian that the President and Michelle Obama had stumbled upon prophecies penned in the unmistakable style of Nostradamus, the 16th century seer, in a secret catacomb under the White House. Doubleday has acquired the rights to The Last Syllable, the new book Brown is basing on the discoveries.
“It apparently started when Malia was sewing a handkerchief for her doll and her thimble rolled under the presidential desk” he continued, “The President crawled under to retrieve it and discovered a secret panel which opened to reveal a staircase descending into a secret catacomb under the White House.”
“The discoveries prove beyond doubt that the founding fathers and modern day leaders of our country have been guarding a profound secret, a powerful word known as the Last Syllable whose revelation holds the key our nation’s future” said Brown, adding "They are initiates into the ancient mysteries and occult religions of Egypt and Asia, as you will see."
He then read out the first set of quatrains:
A Starr darkens the new millennium’s dawn
The master lies with his padwan
In the corridors of the White House they congress
He will be incriminated by a Blue Dress
In vain the jury tries to learn
What transpired between king and intern
Tripped up by a Linda, he doth hiss
“It depends on what the meaning of is is”
“The last line obviously refers to a secret word of great mystic power” Brown commented, “The man who uttered it was obviously an Occult Master, who could veil the simplest of truths in a shroud of mystery.”
Brown paused to reveal that the Obamas were initially concerned that certain secrets hidden in the quatrains were of such a sensitive nature that they were a national security issue. “There are some things you don’t want the world to know” said Brown sagely.
“However, they decided to go public with the material after negotiating a share in the royalties from the book. Michelle Obama plans to use the proceeds to exorcise the vice president’s office in the White House. Joe Biden has been complaining that he hears the rattling of chains and eerie moans and groans at night-time, including a ghostly voice repeating the words Boo – Ghraib, Boo – Ghraib over and over”.
He proceeded to read out the second set of quatrains:
The idiot prince rules not once but twice
The country will rue his pick for vice
Far preferable is Nearly Headless Nick
Instead he stumps for Really Heartless Dick
The people ask if he has a plan
To win the war in Afghanistan
Quoth he: The only way the war can be won
Is to leave before the job is done
Brown shook his head in amazement “This man was a master exponent of Stupid Zen – the last line sounds nonsensical, but if you catch the hidden meaning, he meant leave office, not Afghanistan.” He added as an after-thought “I thought Nostradamus’ Harry Potter allusion was rather clever…”
It was obvious that Brown had saved the most sensational revelations for the last. “Nostradamus knew what the secret word, the Last Syllable, was” said Brown, “but he chose to hide it from future generations until the moment of revelation, and I think we are very close to time when our leaders will reveal the secret to the uninitiated masses.” His eyes glinting, he read out the last set:
“It apparently started when Malia was sewing a handkerchief for her doll and her thimble rolled under the presidential desk” he continued, “The President crawled under to retrieve it and discovered a secret panel which opened to reveal a staircase descending into a secret catacomb under the White House.”
“The discoveries prove beyond doubt that the founding fathers and modern day leaders of our country have been guarding a profound secret, a powerful word known as the Last Syllable whose revelation holds the key our nation’s future” said Brown, adding "They are initiates into the ancient mysteries and occult religions of Egypt and Asia, as you will see."
He then read out the first set of quatrains:
A Starr darkens the new millennium’s dawn
The master lies with his padwan
In the corridors of the White House they congress
He will be incriminated by a Blue Dress
In vain the jury tries to learn
What transpired between king and intern
Tripped up by a Linda, he doth hiss
“It depends on what the meaning of is is”
“The last line obviously refers to a secret word of great mystic power” Brown commented, “The man who uttered it was obviously an Occult Master, who could veil the simplest of truths in a shroud of mystery.”
Brown paused to reveal that the Obamas were initially concerned that certain secrets hidden in the quatrains were of such a sensitive nature that they were a national security issue. “There are some things you don’t want the world to know” said Brown sagely.
“However, they decided to go public with the material after negotiating a share in the royalties from the book. Michelle Obama plans to use the proceeds to exorcise the vice president’s office in the White House. Joe Biden has been complaining that he hears the rattling of chains and eerie moans and groans at night-time, including a ghostly voice repeating the words Boo – Ghraib, Boo – Ghraib over and over”.
He proceeded to read out the second set of quatrains:
The idiot prince rules not once but twice
The country will rue his pick for vice
Far preferable is Nearly Headless Nick
Instead he stumps for Really Heartless Dick
The people ask if he has a plan
To win the war in Afghanistan
Quoth he: The only way the war can be won
Is to leave before the job is done
Brown shook his head in amazement “This man was a master exponent of Stupid Zen – the last line sounds nonsensical, but if you catch the hidden meaning, he meant leave office, not Afghanistan.” He added as an after-thought “I thought Nostradamus’ Harry Potter allusion was rather clever…”
It was obvious that Brown had saved the most sensational revelations for the last. “Nostradamus knew what the secret word, the Last Syllable, was” said Brown, “but he chose to hide it from future generations until the moment of revelation, and I think we are very close to time when our leaders will reveal the secret to the uninitiated masses.” His eyes glinting, he read out the last set:
He drops the ball on global warming
Yet his subjects do not find it alarming
They care naught for his universal healthcare
Rather, they would embrace the present nightmare
He continues to dole out riches to the lords
Whilst the masses are absorbed with their eye pods
The country turns for answers to this man, Bar’akh
To which he utters the Last Syllable “We’re f……!!!”
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll - Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps, and now….Roger Federer!
World sports reeled from a 1-2-3 Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll knockout punch this weekend when it emerged that in the wake of the Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps scandals, tennis icon Roger Federer was cited for “disturbing the peace” by officials in the Swiss canton of Basel for playing his stereo too loudly past the national bed-time of 8 pm. A canton official who spoke on condition of anonymity said that as a role model and icon for Swiss children, Roger should have set an example by turning off the lights, or at the very least, tucking into bed with a mug of Ovaltine and a copy of William Tell at this late hour.
Federer’s apology Wednesday for unspecified "transgressions" — coinciding with reports of him mowing his lawn on Sundays, trashing his cuckoo clock, flashing Made in Hong Kong watches, bingeing on Hershey’s chocolates, showing a preference for French cheeses, opening bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, and that most un-Swiss of acts – declaring his assets on his income tax return — was obviously the last straw on the camel’s back.
A Jungian psychologist appointed by the canton of Basel said that it was very possible that Federer was “acting out” and “engaging in impulse behavior” due to the pressures of the tennis circuit. “Roger Federer was different, or so he seemed, with his unmatchable talent and carefully burnished image” said the psychologist, “The real story here is the meeting of expectations with reality. The guy's a human being and we forget that." “Though it possible that Roger was simply jealous of the attention Tiger has been getting of late” he conceded.
Reactions in the US were mainly positive, and it is rumored that Michael Phelps is looking forward to offering Roger "a drag” should he stay up past 11 pm. In neighboring Austria, fashion reporter Bruno said he was looking forward to seeing Roger in drag. However, in Switzerland itself, watchmaker Rolex was the first major sponsor to distance itself from Federer. “We’re signing on Otzi the Iceman instead” said a Rolex spokesman “he is nice and predictable, very Swiss.”
Federer’s apology Wednesday for unspecified "transgressions" — coinciding with reports of him mowing his lawn on Sundays, trashing his cuckoo clock, flashing Made in Hong Kong watches, bingeing on Hershey’s chocolates, showing a preference for French cheeses, opening bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, and that most un-Swiss of acts – declaring his assets on his income tax return — was obviously the last straw on the camel’s back.
A Jungian psychologist appointed by the canton of Basel said that it was very possible that Federer was “acting out” and “engaging in impulse behavior” due to the pressures of the tennis circuit. “Roger Federer was different, or so he seemed, with his unmatchable talent and carefully burnished image” said the psychologist, “The real story here is the meeting of expectations with reality. The guy's a human being and we forget that." “Though it possible that Roger was simply jealous of the attention Tiger has been getting of late” he conceded.
Reactions in the US were mainly positive, and it is rumored that Michael Phelps is looking forward to offering Roger "a drag” should he stay up past 11 pm. In neighboring Austria, fashion reporter Bruno said he was looking forward to seeing Roger in drag. However, in Switzerland itself, watchmaker Rolex was the first major sponsor to distance itself from Federer. “We’re signing on Otzi the Iceman instead” said a Rolex spokesman “he is nice and predictable, very Swiss.”
Friday, December 18, 2009
Bush denies global warming, calls it a plot hatched by scientologists…
Former president Bush, speaking at the inauguration of the George W Bush Presidential Library in Texas, derided his former opponent Gore and called global warming “a plot hatched by them scientologists”. “You’ve got to go by the numbers, they don’t add up” he said, squinting sideways at a tarot card gifted to him by Nancy Reagan. “Evidence shows that some parts of the Earth are actually cooling” he added, as he pointed to a picture of his buddy Prince Bandar bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia performing a giant slalom at the indoor snow slopes at the Dubai mall.
Bush was caught off-guard when a reporter pointed out the urgent need for carbon sequestration due to rising CO2 levels, but recovered quickly “I see this as a huge opportunity for the US soft drink industry. Let’s pump all that excess CO2 into cans of soda and put the fizz back in our economy, one Coke at a time!”
“Climate change falls in the same category as Evolution” he railed, adding “you can’t make a monkey out of me.” Bush then showed off to reporters copies of the library’s longest book, the 50-volume opus “Liberal Deceptions. (The library's briefest book is “Compassionate Conservatism”, which contains only two words - No and Way). “Evolution can’t explain how some people have only five fingers instead of six” he said, to appreciative titters (and prodigious banjo riffs) from the audience. “Darwin’s On the Origin of the Specious [sic!] is all bunk” he slurred on, in a typical Dubya malapropism.
Bush sounded regretful as he walked past a framed copy of the flawed WMD intelligence report that lead to the second gulf war. “It was a Microsoft Word spell-check problem” he revealed, “we should’ve gone after IraN, not IraQ.”
Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance at the closing ceremony to sign copies of her second book “Going Brogue”. Palin, who is relocating to the East Coast in preparation for her 2012 presidential bid, said that she picked that title over the runner up “On a Clear Day You Can See Ireland”. She rated her chances in 2012 pretty highly “You see, people really like the way I roll my R’s…”
Bush was caught off-guard when a reporter pointed out the urgent need for carbon sequestration due to rising CO2 levels, but recovered quickly “I see this as a huge opportunity for the US soft drink industry. Let’s pump all that excess CO2 into cans of soda and put the fizz back in our economy, one Coke at a time!”
“Climate change falls in the same category as Evolution” he railed, adding “you can’t make a monkey out of me.” Bush then showed off to reporters copies of the library’s longest book, the 50-volume opus “Liberal Deceptions. (The library's briefest book is “Compassionate Conservatism”, which contains only two words - No and Way). “Evolution can’t explain how some people have only five fingers instead of six” he said, to appreciative titters (and prodigious banjo riffs) from the audience. “Darwin’s On the Origin of the Specious [sic!] is all bunk” he slurred on, in a typical Dubya malapropism.
Bush sounded regretful as he walked past a framed copy of the flawed WMD intelligence report that lead to the second gulf war. “It was a Microsoft Word spell-check problem” he revealed, “we should’ve gone after IraN, not IraQ.”
Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance at the closing ceremony to sign copies of her second book “Going Brogue”. Palin, who is relocating to the East Coast in preparation for her 2012 presidential bid, said that she picked that title over the runner up “On a Clear Day You Can See Ireland”. She rated her chances in 2012 pretty highly “You see, people really like the way I roll my R’s…”
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
US Customs intercepts shipment of bongs, Bengalis in uproar...
Members of the Bengal Association of Southern California demonstrated outside the Customs office today after reading a press report about US Customs seizing a ship full of bongs in Los Angeles. When The Banian approached US Customs official Herb Roller for comment, he dismissed the report as utter poppycock “It was a shipment of bongs, pipes and other drug paraphernalia from China” he said, inhaling deeply “We take a hit every time there’s this sort of confusion”.
Soma Chatterjee of the Bengal Association was not buying it “There are no bongs in China” he puffed, “with the possible exception of Netaji." He added "I don't blame these immigrants, the grass is greener on the other side. Calcutta has gone to pot, you know.”
Half-way across the world, the Indian press reported some rioting. “US Consulate stoned” blared the Calcutta Telegraph, while the Times of India urged people “to take the high road”. CM Buddhadeb Bhattacharya urged the creation of a joint commission to investigate systematic discrimination against Bengalis in the US. “I remember when that Michael Phelps fellow was photographed with a bong, they arrested him and confiscated the bong” he said, adding “Look, I’m really holding it in”.
US Consul General in Calcutta Bud Lytte made a further hash of matters “Look, I’ll give you the straight dope” he said, “If they’ve broken the law, these bongs will receive their just desserts” he said. Upon which Buddhadeb appeared somewhat mollified “Dessert will comfort the detainees, we BengaIis do have a sweet tooth. I’ve asked Mr. Bud to arrange for rasgulla and mishti doi if possible…”
Soma Chatterjee of the Bengal Association was not buying it “There are no bongs in China” he puffed, “with the possible exception of Netaji." He added "I don't blame these immigrants, the grass is greener on the other side. Calcutta has gone to pot, you know.”
Half-way across the world, the Indian press reported some rioting. “US Consulate stoned” blared the Calcutta Telegraph, while the Times of India urged people “to take the high road”. CM Buddhadeb Bhattacharya urged the creation of a joint commission to investigate systematic discrimination against Bengalis in the US. “I remember when that Michael Phelps fellow was photographed with a bong, they arrested him and confiscated the bong” he said, adding “Look, I’m really holding it in”.
US Consul General in Calcutta Bud Lytte made a further hash of matters “Look, I’ll give you the straight dope” he said, “If they’ve broken the law, these bongs will receive their just desserts” he said. Upon which Buddhadeb appeared somewhat mollified “Dessert will comfort the detainees, we BengaIis do have a sweet tooth. I’ve asked Mr. Bud to arrange for rasgulla and mishti doi if possible…”
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